In 1996, the Oxford Dictionary defined Negging as follows: “The action of rejecting or refusing to consider a point of view, suggestion, i.e. dismissal, criticism 

Current Definition of Negging:  

However, over the years the definition has changed to “The practice of ignoring, undermining, or insulting a person (esp. a woman) one wishes to seduce, in the belief that diminished self-confidence will cause that person to desire one’s approval and become more receptive to sexual advances.” 

What is Negging? 

Emotional manipulation, because that is what negging is really, can be subtle, so subtle in fact that very often the victim does not see it for what it is. They will make excuses for this behaviour by saying that it is a mistake, we all say things that we don’t mean sometimes. However, constant exposure to this behaviour will lead to desensitization of this behaviour and its effects on the victim are long-lasting. The perpetrator of this behaviour will very often be extremely nice and generous to the victim to the extent that the person starts wondering if they are reading too much into it or if they are being overly sensitive.  

We are all trained to think that abuse = physical violence. Mental violence can also have deadly and sometimes fatal repercussions. The result of this repeated behaviour is severely damaged self-esteem and an altered perception of the world. Negging can also spiral into physical abuse in the latter stages.     

Examples of Negging 

One of the main characteristics of people who neg are “backhanded compliments” For e.g “Oh you look fabulous! I would never have the guts to wear my hair like that. 

You are very brave to wear this kind of an outfit. 

You are very well dressed for someone who does your kind of a job. 

You’re so beautiful for someone who is trans. 

They will find occasions to do this when there are people around, so more often than not, the victim grins and bears it. 

The other things they do is “give constructive criticism”, “play the one-upmanship game” and “constantly compare you to other people”. 

They will also disguise insults as questions “I am surprised you did well in the test. Who helped you?”  

Other effective tactics are to making the victim feel sorry for voicing concerns and to redirect the entire situation into making them the victim e.g. “I wouldn’t have to keep tabs on you, if you didn’t flirt with everything in pants!!” 

The trump card up their sleeve is to make out as if they were “just joking! 

Red Flags to recognize Negging 

There are some important indicators which should raise a red flag for the victim when the abuse starts to escalate 

• Isolation from family and friends 

• Personal objects being destroyed 

• Insults happening in front of other people 

• Constant suspicion of whereabouts, demanding to be kept informed at all times, being followed, constant checking of cell phone 

How to deal with Negging? 

• Break the isolation by reaching out to close friends and family. Even former professors, teachers or the local priest could become your allies. 

• Seek mental health counselling. There are helplines which counsel over the phone, in case the person is unable to leave the house. 

• Start planning for an exit in case you happen to live with the abuser by taking a friend/ relative/ colleague into confidence and getting them onboard to give you shelter.  

• Make sure your important documents (driver’s licence, passport, identity card) are in secure place, preferably at a supporter’s house. 

• Join a support group 

After all these steps are in place, the victim can then leave that residence, keeping their supporters informed. 

Long-term effects of remaining in a verbally or emotionally abusive relationship can include anxiety, depression, and chronic pain. No, one deserves that. 

If anyone finds themselves on the receiving end of negging, know that it’s not your fault. And it’s not your responsibility to “fix” the other person. That’s entirely on them. 

Written by Asha DSouza